1 平行、工整

We were bounded by the neighborhood, defined by it, chained to our circumstances and chained to the invisible norms that told us we ought to know our place.

原文的四個動詞-ed 形式，很好的形成了平行，同時讓人有一種很強的被束縛感。

I belatedly understood that my fate was connected to the boys on my block, that the kids who dropped out, the kids who got arranged marriages, the kids whofled to the mosque and came out with long beards, the kids who mocked the smart students, were all doomed.

4個the kids who 的並列，讓人感受到整個街區的kids 都被doomed 了。

2 重點重複

The schools could not tell us

. Our parents could not tell us. The streets tried to tell us, but those answers posed their own problems.

如果能再多幾個not tell us，這部分內容的張力可能會更強些，但目前的版本已經能很好的體現出了，作者成長的環境讓作者和他周圍的小夥伴感到的無助。

3 要緊湊，不要鬆散

鬆散的句子的特點是：

1）用了過多的類似and，but，or 這樣的並列連詞

2）把主語不一致的幾個句子放到一起

Throughout my adolescence, multiple people tried to tell me that I had “potential.” It was a word I did not trust. What does it mean to say this to a brown boy who doesn’t know any lawyers or engineers? Guidance counselors would show me pamphlets with white faces in white coats or white faces in dark suits, and theywould ask me what I wanted to do. I had no answer, because these professionals were not real people but mirages.

上文的句與句之間，當主語不一致的時候，都是分開為兩句話來寫的。唯一一個句間用and 連接的句子，是因為兩句的主語是一致的（Guidance counselors）。

4 巧用插入語

適當使用插入語，能夠起到重點突出的效果。但是，插入語也不要過多使用，容易沖淡、打亂主句的內容。

And the child, because he is a child, feels ashamed of his parents, his culture, his language.

第一句裡面的“because he is a child” 突出了作為孩子本身的被動，因為認知不全，導致被周遭環境左右，開始自我否定。

The year ended with a scholarship to a good university and I felt, for the first time,that I might not be a failure.

第二句裡的 “for the first time”，提出了作者內心的心酸和無奈。

5 內容連貫，不跳躍

要做到連貫、不跳躍主要是

1）前一句的主賓和後一句的主賓一定是有重複的內容的

2）用恰當的連接詞（當然前面說了不要用過多的並列連接詞）

3）名詞或者代詞的指代要明確

All of us children of immigrants were hopelessly lost. I do not mean “lost” in the upper-class aspirational sense of being on a journey of self-discovery, but lost in the very physical sense of not knowing who we were and where we came from.

前一句講lost，後面是對lost 的具體重複。

The library became my safe space. I wanted nothing less than to break down my character and let the temple of knowledge reconstruct it until I was someone who knew about himself and the world.

第一句說library 是我的安全之地，後面內容具體說“我”在圖書館做了什麼。（內容的重複）

Their land had been plundered, its resources extracted to fuel an industrial revolution a continent away.

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