1
剛上高中第一天老師就說：這個社會不能光看臉，長得醜的成績普遍都好。然後這個狗日的就指著老子說：我看這個小夥成績一定是拔尖的。。。呵呵，老師，你真幽默！
2
初二時英語考試，我同桌翻英語課本時被抓了。同桌："小明也翻課本了，你怎麼不抓他？"老師瞟了我一眼語重心長道："他找不到答案！"
3
A sunday-school teacher was telling her pupils the importance of making others glad. "now, children," she said, "has anyone of you ever made someone else glad?"
"please, teacher," said a small boy, "i've make someone glad yesterday."
well done. who was that!"
"my granny."
"good boy. now tell us how you made your grandmother glad."
"please, teacher, i went to see her yesterday, ad stayed with her three hours. then i said to her, 'granny, i'm going home.' and she said, 'well, i'm glad'!"
一個主日學校的教師正在對學生講使別人高興的重要性。"聽著，孩子們，"她說，"你們當中有誰曾讓別人高興過嗎？"
"我，教師，"一個小男孩說，"昨天我就使別人高興過。"
"做得好，是誰呢？"
"我奶奶。"
"好孩子。現在告訴我們，你是怎樣使你奶奶高興的？"
"是這樣的，教師。昨天我去看她，在她那兒呆了三個小時。然後我對她說：'奶奶，我要回家了。'她說：'啊，我很高興。'"
4
An amercian, a scot and a canadian were killed in a car accident. they arrived at the gates of heaven, where a flustered st. peterexplained that there had been a mistake. "give me $500 each," he said, "and i'll return you to earth as if the whole thing never happened."
"done!" said the american. instantly, he found himself standing unhurt near the scene.
"where are the others?" asked a medic.
"last i knew," said the american, "the scot was huggling price, and the canadian was arguing that his government should pay."
一位美國人，一位英格蘭人和一位加拿大人在一場車禍中喪生。他們到達天堂的門口。在那裡，醉醺醺的聖彼德解釋說是搞錯了。"每人給我五百美元，"他說，"我將把你們送回人間，就象什麼都沒有發生過一樣。"
"成交！"美國人說。立刻，他發現自己毫不損傷地站在現場附近。
"其他人在哪兒？"一名醫生問道。
"我離開之前，"那名美國人說，"我看見英格蘭人正在砍價，而那名加拿大人正在分辯說應該由他的政府來出這筆錢。"
5
During our first three days at Lackland Air Force Base in San Antonio, we were herded from place to place for haircuts, shots and uniforms. Back in our barracks, the drill instructor told us to put on our uniforms and fall out in front of the building. Some of the uniforms, however, were extremely large. As we filed outside, the sergeant stood by the door with his assistant. "We have to take some of these people back for refitting," he said. "That last man took two steps before his uniform moved."
在聖安東尼奧的萊克蘭空軍基地的頭三天，我們被從一個地方趕到另一個地方去理髮、照相、領制服。回到營房之後，訓練指導員讓我們穿上制服，在營房前原地解散。但是，我些制服特別大。我們列隊的時候，中士和他的副手就站在門邊。"我們得將一些人弄回去重新量一下，"他說，"最後那個人走了兩步，他的制服才動。"
6
The squad were having "visual training". one smart recruit was asked by the officer to count how many men composed a digging party in a distant field. the party was so far away that the men appeared as mere dots, but unhesitatingly the recruit replied:
"sexteen men and a sergeant, sir."
"right; but how do you know there's a sergeant there?"
"he's not doing any digging, sir."
班裡正在進行"視力訓練"。一個聰明伶俐的新兵被班長叫出來數遠處曠野上採掘隊的人數。採掘隊在很遠的地方，那些人看起來只是一些小點兒。但是這個新兵毫不猶豫的回答：
"十六個士兵和一箇中士，長官。"
"正確。可你如何知道那兒有一箇中士？"
"他不幹活，長官。"
7
one day, a father and his little son were going home. at this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. now, he asked, "what's the meaning of the word 'drunk', dad?" "well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. if i regard the two policemen as four then i am drunk."
"but, dad," the boy said, " there's only one policeman!"
一天，父親與小兒子一道回家。這個孩子正處於那種對什麼事都很感興趣的年齡，老是有提不完的問題。他向父親發問道："爸爸，'醉'字是什麼意思？" "唔，孩子，"父親回答說，"你瞧那兒站著兩個警察。如果我把他們看成了四個，那麼我就算醉了。"
"可是，爸爸， "孩子說，"那兒只有一個警察呀！"
8
平時都是老婆去接兒子放學，有次老婆有事我去幼兒園接。老師指著我問兒子："你認識他嗎？"兒子："不認識！"害我在派出所跟民警解釋了兩個小時。。。
9
前兩天老婆姐姐家的一條大狼狗丟了，晚上餐桌上，我對女兒說："你記不記得你大姨家的那條狼狗了？很兇的。"女兒："就是你說比媽媽還兇得那條嗎？"老婆不淡定了。。。瞪著我。。。我還是先顛了再說吧！
10
動物醫生在動物幼兒園裡給小動物們體檢。輪到屎殼郎小朋友的時候，醫生皺著眉頭說道，"屎殼郎小朋友，你要改善伙食啊，不能整天吃屎。"屎殼郎小朋友說道，"有改善伙食啊，我也不算天天吃屎，偶爾，爸爸推回來的糞球裡還有一些菜葉啊什麼的…………醫生叔叔，你怎麼了？"醫生："下一個……下一個……下一個"
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