國外也有段子手：一樣的德比，不一樣的你

上週的歐洲賽場精彩看點層出不窮，巴薩在國家德比中大勝皇馬，阿森納止住連勝腳步，曼聯、切爾西、利物浦等則順利取勝。歐冠賽場，巴薩繼續連勝領跑，尤文客場戰勝曼聯，熱刺、巴黎遭遇平局，而皇馬、曼城、拜仁、利物浦等球隊則紛紛獲勝。好了，話不多說，讓我們快來看看歪果仁們的精彩吐槽吧！

蘇神帶帽，巴薩5-1皇馬

EpicGrunger(葡萄牙球迷)：貝爾和本澤馬的出鏡率加一起還沒有在看臺上的梅西多，你告訴我這比賽還怎麼踢…(I saw Messi more times than Bale and Benz combined...even he was in the stands. What a game lol.)

LegitimateMousse(未知主隊球迷)：洛佩特吉竟然沒在比賽中途就被解僱，可以說是非常幸運了…(Lopetegui is lucky he wasn't fired before the final whistle.)

Xenmate(巴薩球迷)：這比賽咋感覺就像是聯賽領頭羊在踢中游球隊似的…(this feels like a game between the league leader and a midtable team.)

Harudera(巴薩球迷)：我們不能贏了中游球隊就沾沾自喜，得趕緊把關注點放在阿拉維斯這種真正的爭冠對手上啊！(We can't get too complacent with good results against mid table teams, we'll need to be ready when the real test comes against our league competitors like Alaves.)

Clashoftherats(利物浦球迷)：

flexicution3(切爾西球迷)：為什麼都在嘲笑庫爾圖瓦？要不是他高接抵擋，皇馬可能就1-2輸球了！(Don’t blame Courtois too much, it would be a 1-2 lose if he was not there.)

Xenmate(巴薩球迷)：驚！弗洛倫蒂諾計劃明天在沙特駐土耳其大使館會見洛佩特吉！(BREAKING: Florentino will meet with Lopetegui tomorrow in the Saudi embassy in Turkey.)

(注：此處暗指沙特記者在大使館被暗殺事件)

Amazingoopah(未知主隊球迷)：老佛爺先是把西班牙國家隊整得稀碎，然後現在皇馬又亂得一批，難道他就是加泰羅尼亞獨立陣營的秘密間諜？(Florentino sunk the Spanish NT and Real Madrid all in one coaching move... who knew he was a secret Catalan spy all along?)

Aurorara(未知主隊球迷)：上次梅西和C羅同時缺席國家德比的時候，瓜迪奧拉和羅本都還有一頭秀髮呢！(The last time there was an El Classico without Messi or Ronaldo. So long ago Guardiola and Robben both had hair.)

Acquits(巴薩球迷)：看來有人告訴蘇亞雷斯今天踢的是諾維奇啊！(Looks like someone told Suarez that we were playing Norwich today.)

dave1992(利物浦球迷)：蘇牙曾被西索科的傳球折磨了一年，現在練得無論是多麼扯淡的傳中都能進球了…(Years of training with Cissokho's cross made Suarez able to score from such bad crosses.)

Fuckyouidontneedone(切爾西球迷)：曼聯球迷都在出冷汗，趕緊把傳真機的線拔了吧！(United fans everywhere sweating. Better unplug that fax machine.)

Idalejpaz(皇馬球迷)：其實那已經翻篇了，現在我們更喜歡你們手裡的那比利時小夥…(Nah we're past that...that thicc Belgian you have though...)

3picKill3r(未知主隊球迷)：對手只是皇馬而已，根本不需要讓梅西上場！(Who needs Messi when Real Madrid is the opposition.)

Dolinar(皇馬球迷)：人生總是如此痛苦麼，還是隻有你是皇馬球迷的時候才這樣？(Is life always this hard ,or is it just when you are a Merengue?)

rohangarg01(巴薩球迷)：恩裡克之所以國家隊不招阿爾巴，就是為了讓他輪休去打皇馬啊！(Who knows it was Enrique's plan in the first place to rest Alba.)

Orwellisright(曼城球迷)：蘇牙這火爆的狀態，簡直就像小黃書裡的插圖一樣…(Luis Suárez's oh he is stretching like the illustration of Kamasutra.)

DisposableMAYBE(皇馬球迷)：拉莫斯這麼努力，就是為了給庫蒂尼奧他們創造空間啊！(Ramos trying very hard to give coutinho and every barca player all the space they need.)

Obi-1_Jabroni(未知主隊球迷)：庫蒂尼奧簡直比愛斯基摩人還要冷酷…(Cooltinho is cooler than an eskimo)

idgood_fellla(皇馬球迷)：洛佩特吉現在已經坐下來思考怎麼花1800萬的違約金了…(Lopetegui sitting there thinking how he’s gonna spend that 18 mil.)

JurijFedorov(巴薩球迷)：再見了洛帥，我們的愛情短暫卻又刻骨銘心！(Goodbye, Lopetegui! Our love was short but everlasting.)

Agreedbro(皇馬球迷)：要是比賽以2-2的平局收場，洛帥又得以續命，那我可就更恨死巴薩了…(If this ends 2-2 and saves Lopetegui then I'll hate Barca even more.)

BludFlairUpFam(未知主隊球迷)：都說這場比賽巴薩沒上10號，其實我看兩隊都沒有上10號…('A certain number 10 missing in action', no it’s two.)

(圖)：如果感到生活不易，就想想皇馬球迷...

Killawuchtel(柏林赫塔球迷)：本澤馬這球射得，就像是我喝醉酒後撒尿時費盡心思不要尿偏一樣…(Benzema trying to hit the goal is like me trying to hit a toilet when I'm peeing standing up when I'm really drunk.)

KnownStuff(皇馬球迷)：今天才丟了5球而已，真是可喜可賀啊！(Proud of the boys! Only 5 goals conceded!)

ThisIsSenpalll(皇馬球迷)：而且我們還進了一球！小夥子們加油幹！(And we scored! Keep the streak alive boys.)

(圖)：那些當你需要時卻莫名其妙消失的東西

chininarossa93(尤文球迷)：起碼皇馬現在輸得更像是個整體了…(At least you've lost as a team.)

goofygoober2(利物浦球迷)：希望洛佩特吉以後找一個有人能射的球隊吧…(Lope will somehow still find a job of higher caliber after getting sacked.)

拉菲阿爾巴進球，巴薩2-0國米

Nadalco619(巴薩球迷)：我就說梅西不行，已經至少在5次鏡頭回放裡毫無作為了！(Did we just get 5 replays in a row of Messi doing absolutely nothing? Fraud confirmed.)

Classy432(國米球迷)：這梅西反正在巴薩也是坐板凳，不如便宜賣給我們國米吧！(Hey barca we could make a deal for Messi as he is just a bench player for you.)

Chocotacoman(巴薩球迷)：阿圖爾才是鐵王座真正的繼承人！(Arthur is the heir to the iron throne.)

MetalManiac619(國米球迷)：這場比賽給梅西的特寫鏡頭，已經比任何場上球員都多了…(We've already seen more close-ups of Messi than any player on the pitch.)

Humiq(伊朗球迷)：阿爾巴進不了國家隊的唯一原因，可能就是他把恩裡克的老婆給睡了…(A scenario of Alba shagging Luis Enrique' wife cant even justify that he is not the starting LB for spain.)

Shoaibnasiri(皇馬球迷)：像蘇亞雷斯這樣的球員腦子裡是不是都有個計算器？在傳球前都能算一下實際距離、風速、力度、高度和角度才起腳？(does players like suarez have a calculator in their brain to calculate the exact distance, wind, power, height and angle for that type of assist.)

toasteroven26(未知主隊球迷)：梅西的老婆可能開了家服裝店吧，然後把賣不出去的衣服都給梅西穿了…(Messi’s wife has a clothing store I think. Maybe she gives Messi the clothes no one will buy.)

samsony17(巴薩球迷)：國際在巴薩主場不該穿白色隊服啊，你這不是自討苦吃麼…(Inter should have picked different away kit. May be they didn't realize it's going to be tough with that at Camp Nou.)

molokoplus359(巴薩球迷)：如果你去看比賽，你就看不見梅西；但如果你去看梅西，你就看不到比賽了。(You watch the game, you don't see Messi. You watch Messi, you don't see the game.)

Adhesivetape8(巴薩球迷)：在諾坎普球場，每60秒的時間就會有一分鐘流逝。(Every 60 seconds in Camp Nou, a minute passes.)

JurijFedorov(巴薩球迷)：看來我們並不需要梅西每場比賽都來踢幾次門柱才能贏球啊！(We clearly don't need Messi to hit the post every single game to win.)

EmperorBasilius(巴薩球迷)：明天的世界體育報頭條：驚！梅西恐在巴薩地位不保，或將加盟大巴黎！(Tomorrow's Mundo Deportivo: BREAKING NEWS! Messi is starting to feel threatened, possible move to PSG.)

(圖)：在另一個平行世界裡...

本澤馬進球，皇馬2-1比爾森勝利

zyndr0m(皇馬球迷)：這…難道就是贏球的感覺？(Is this how it feels to be in a win?)

KnownStuff(皇馬球迷)：感謝老天！我們竟然戰勝了堅不可摧的強敵比爾森勝利！(Thank god we were able to scrap a win against the mighty Viktoria Plzen.)

tiger1296(曼聯球迷)：我說皇馬，你們要再不爭點氣，怕是連我們曼聯都踢不過了！(Hey Madrid if you're not careful you might even lose to us.)

hamish5012(曼城球迷)：就算你看見皇馬在聯賽裡降級了，可歐冠上還不是能拿冠軍？(Even watch them get relegated in the league and they'll still win the Champions league.)

Harkoncito(皇馬球迷)：如果你最後的戰術就是傳中的話，那之前倒腳這麼多次的意義到底是啥…(what's the point of doing so many passes if we're going to cross the ball every single time?)

Wrigley99(皇馬球迷)：笨馬要能進球，那豬都會飛！誒，天上那是什麼東西？(Even a pig could fly if Benzema scored! Omg what’s that up there?)

Agreedbro(皇馬球迷)：這比賽簡直踢成了汪星人的翔，我們就跟箇中遊球隊一樣！(Absolute dogshit from us, looking like a mid table team.)

W19NSA(皇馬球迷)：你這不是扯犢子麼，我們明明是下游球隊！(Bitch pls we a bottom table team.)

迪巴拉進球，尤文1-0曼聯

Huminininc(曼聯球迷)：哪裡，我們明明是坐了三年的大巴！(We just got off a 3 year bus ride.)

Enaur(皇馬球迷)：什琴斯尼簡直屌得像根大黃瓜！(Szczesny is cool as a cucumber.)

SchumiSZN(未知主隊球迷)：

mo140(紐卡斯爾球迷)：感覺C羅就算到了74歲還是能踢出這樣的射門…(Ronaldo can still pull those shoots off at the age of 74.)

0fiuco(AC米蘭球迷)：穆帥這衣服看起來就像是襯衫裡面又穿了一個Bra一樣…(Mourinho shirt looks like is see through and he has a Bra under It.)

nochill95(AC米蘭球迷)：現場的曼聯球迷好像比尤文球迷的聲音還小…(Juve fans are louder than United fans Lmao.)

kaino1990(曼城球迷)：曼聯去客場的表現一直不好，期待他們能回到老特拉福德再好好踢！(Was always going to be a hard game for United away, I'm sure they'll look better at old Trafford…)

Ingobernables(凱爾特人球迷)：曼聯這戰術不錯，既然迪巴拉不好防，那就假裝他不存在就好啦！(I like the Man U tactic of not acknowledging that Dybala even exists.)

julio-jones(曼聯球迷)：今天我們還解鎖了個成就呢，那就是連續傳8次球還不丟！(Achievement unlocked: 8 completed passes in a row.)

三戰僅積1分，熱刺2-2埃因霍溫

Nrsapologist(阿森納球迷)：好兄弟，歡迎來到歐聯杯呀！(Welcome to the europa league my brothers.)

Strider_3x(葡萄牙球迷)：

Sleeptoker(阿森納球迷)：好險，差點就因為上班錯過這場比賽了，現在我的心情格外美麗~~(can't believe i nearly decided to do work instead of watching this. Now I’m very pleased.)

Contosooo(國米球迷)：明明國米輸了球，但感覺好像還是贏了分…(It seems that we lost a game but still manage to gain some points in the end.)

purZetche(熱刺球迷)：我看歐聯杯其實也挺可愛的…(Europa league lookin kinda cute right now.)

ajf_neyo(切爾西球迷)：看來熱刺的新球場將會是倫敦第3處可以看到歐聯杯的地方啊！(It's looking like the New Tottenham Stadium will just be the third London stadium where you can watch the Europa League.)

AustinWhisky(桑托斯球迷)：洛裡這失誤，恐怕會耽誤熱刺奪得歐冠冠軍啊！(Lloris big mistake costed Tottenham the UCL.)

MonrealEstate(阿森納球迷)：最後好像兩隊都對這結果失望得不行…(The end of the game was madness, you could feel the desperation in both teams.)

迪馬利亞絕平，巴黎2-2那不勒斯

Haz96(切爾西球迷)：擦，看來我們奪歐聯杯不保險了啊！(Ffs, our Europa league chances have dipped.)

ivan_rofl(未知主隊球迷)：

多點開花，曼城3-0頓涅茨克礦工

Vibechild(曼城球迷)：為慶祝這贏球，得吃三頓大餐才行！(Going to eat 3 square meals in honor of this win.)

InaudibleShout(曼城球迷)：我早就告訴過你們了，這不過是一場FIFA19的比賽而已！(I told you guys, this is a FIFA 19 game.)

萊萬進球，拜仁2-0雅典AEK

Tweazz(未知主隊球迷)：等等，場上可是巴薩名宿奇格林斯基？我都忘了這哥們還沒退役了…(wait is that barca legend chigrynskiy? i kinda forgot he was not retired.)

MrMedicinaI(拜仁球迷)：我都恨不得讓10個人去踢比賽，也不願意再看他們把球傳給羅本讓他去丟了…(I'd rather have 10 players than have to watch our players give Robben balls for him to lose.)

順利取勝，利物浦4-0貝爾格萊德紅星

dpgrb(未知主隊球迷)：真正的利物浦球迷，夜裡都會拿這場比賽來打飛機的！(real liverpool supporters want this match to wank to at night.)

Viremia(利物浦球迷)：我的直播新號有點慢，但我還是開著手機推送，這樣每次對方拿球到我們半場進攻時，只要手機沒響我就知道這球不會進了…(My stream is so far behind, but I won't turn off notifications on my phone. It allows me to relax more whenever I see CZ moving the ball into our half, knowing they won't score.)

Macht_(利物浦球迷)：沙奇裡就是足球裡的瑞士軍刀！(SHAQIRI THE SWISS ARMY KNIFE OF FOOTBALL.)

goodstuff10(伊拉克球迷)：伊拉克人民為薩拉赫發來賀電！(Hell ya, brother! Cheers for Salah from Iraq.)

火力全開，利物浦4-1卡迪夫城

Deathclutch97(未知主隊球迷)：超級馬內！(Supermane…)

Callmedanylko(未知主隊球迷)：給對方後衛買個熱狗吧，他們實在太可憐了…(Sent the defender for a hotdog the poor man.)

Arkin33(巴薩球迷)：

VolsFC(未知主隊球迷)：馬內這麼努力，就是為了追上自己的髮際線！(Mane struck that so hard it pushed his hairline back.)

Fkitbaylife(利物浦球迷)：場上唯一比莫雷諾表現還差的，就只有裁判了吧…(the only person on the pitch who was worse than moreno was the ref.)

連勝止步，阿森納2-2水晶宮

sorrytoruinyourday(曼聯球迷)：好氣啊，阿森納竟連水晶宮都贏不了，你看水晶宮的積分都快追上我們了！(Disappointed that Arsenal couldn't get all 3 points in this game. Palace are catching up to us.)

Giellelekelke(阿森納球迷)：我能打擾你一會兒嗎，我想給你介紹下我們的偉大的救世主扎卡！(can i interest you in talking about our lord and savior granit xhaka?!?!)

r0bski2(利物浦球迷)：扎卡這哥們除了進世界波是不是就不會幹別的了…(What does this guy do other than score random bangers.)

波霸馬夏爾進球，曼聯2-1埃弗頓

NiguezWitAttitudes(馬競球迷)：每次看到這踢點球前的小碎步，總感覺這球會打飛機…(Everytime I see that run up I hope he boots it out of the stadium.)

Michaelfortu(曼聯球迷)：天才啊，博格巴故意讓皮克福德撲一下球，這樣再補射就可以算是運動戰進球了！(What a genius, he used Pickford to pass it to himself so it would count as an open play goal.)

Tacche97(熱那亞球迷)：博格巴這罰點球也太磨嘰了，我都去上了個廁所回來結果他還沒踢…(Jesus Pogba took so long for a penalty I had time to go to the toilet and come back and he still hadn’t shoot.)

AsimiladoSimulilo(未知主隊球迷)：等博格巴這小碎步跑完，感覺我連鬍子都快長出來了…對了，我是女生…(I grew a beard by the time his run-up ended. And I’m a girl.)

Ghost51(曼聯球迷)：你還能再長出點別的嗎？假如博格巴多罰幾次點球的話…(Can you grow something more if Pogba take penalties a few more…)

順利取勝，切爾西4-0伯恩利

Tizer_ (切爾西球迷)：蘭帕德現在是不是整容成巴克利的模樣在為我們踢球了…(Lampard looks different nowadays, just like Barkley.)

TA125934(切爾西球迷)：哈哈，切爾西贏了4個球，庫爾圖瓦丟了5個球，今天真開心！(Chelsea won 4-0 and Courtois has conceded 5 already. I love this game.)

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