Original心理探尋Psychology心理探尋Yesterday
GIF圖片出自電影《被嫌棄的松子的一生》
A tragic number of children have been raised to practice self-sacrifice and self-erasure in order to meet the needs of others, mainly their primary caregivers. This is often the main function that the child serves in the parent-child dynamic. This is wrong because it’s the parent’s responsibility to take care of the child, not vice versa.
有相當一部分孩子在被養育過程中，被灌輸要自我犧牲、自我消除，以迎合他人需求，其中，主要是看護者的需求。
這是親子關係狀態中孩子常扮演的角色。
但這是錯誤的，
因為，照顧孩子是父母的責任，反之則不成立。
However, what often happens is that people have children when they are not ready to do so. Not so much in a material sense, although sometimes this is true too, but rather in a psychological and emotional regard. Many people who have children haven’t resolved their own past issues. As a result, they end up having children for the wrong reasons and end up replicating the trauma or its symptoms that they suffered in the past.
但常見現象卻是，人們還沒有做好準備，就生下孩子。這裡的“準備”，並非主要是指物質方面，雖然有時也的確如此，而是更多的是指心理和情緒方面。很多父母都還未解決他們過去的問題。因此，他們出於各種錯誤的理由去生下孩子，最終卻複製著自身曾經歷的創傷或創傷所表現出的種種症狀。
In some instances, the parent is actually well meaning and actually tries not to traumatize the child by seeking professional help and doing a lot of self-work. But in most cases, the parent says that they want what’s best for the child but in actuality they don’t really want to try because it’s too inconvenient and too much hard work. Or worse, their hate for the child is explicit.
有些情形中，有的父母的確會為孩子好。他們會尋求專業幫助或努力自我修復，以此來努力避免給孩子造成創傷。但大多數情形中，父母雖然嘴上說想給孩子最好的，但實際上他們壓根就不想嘗試，因為這會很麻煩很辛苦。也或者，甚至更糟糕的是，他們會直白表露對孩子的厭惡。
Wittingly or unwittingly, the result of this kind of parenting—that, again, stems from previous lacking parenting—is that a child is raised in a way to be subservient to others often to the degree that they become people-pleasers, have poor boundaries, self-sacrifice, or even act in a severely self-destructive manner.
無論是有意或無意，這種養育方式（也源於他們小時候所受到的養育方式）的結果就是，孩子被養育成為服從他人之人，而且通常會發展至成為討好者、無界限感、自我犧牲，甚至表現出嚴重自我摧毀行為的程度。
Here are five common ways a child is raised to take care of others at the expense of their own healthy well-being.
以下是孩子被養育成犧牲自己健康快樂來照顧他人之人的五種常見方式：
01
Lack of love and care
缺乏愛與關懷
This includes obvious cases of overt psychical, sexual, and verbal abuse. It also involves covert or passive abuse, like neglect, abandonment, emotional unavailability, vicarious abuse where the child is put in harmful environments, gaslighting, or “nice” manipulations and lies.
Here, the child learns that they are unlovable, bad, defective, not good enough, unimportant, invisible, and in constant threat of danger. The effects of this kind of behavior haunt a person well into their adulthood and often last a lifetime.
這既包含明顯的肢體、性和語言虐待，也包括不明顯或被動型的虐待，如忽視、拋棄、情感疏離、間接型虐待（將孩子置於危害環境之中），煤氣燈式心理操縱，或“善意的”操縱和謊言等。
在這類情形中，孩子們學到：
他們不值得被愛、
很壞、
有缺陷、
不夠好、
微不足道、
透明人，
而且始終可能遭遇危險。
而這種行為所產生的種種後果則會一直延續至成年階段，甚至通常會持續一生。
延伸閱讀：剖析 “煤氣燈式心理操縱（Gaslighting）”
02
False teachings regarding others
關於他人的一些錯誤觀念
Parents and other authority figures teach a child many false beliefs, either by telling the child explicitly, or implicitly by the way they treat them.
A few examples of the messages the child receives can be the following: “Parents are always right.” “Blood is thicker than water.” “I’m your father/mother/teacher, so I know better.” “Family is everything.” “You’re just a child.” “Don’t be selfish (meaning, you are not important; your duty is to meet my needs).”
Here, the child learns that whoever is stronger is in charge. They also learn that you can’t question authority. And that you are always subservient to the parent. And that authority is always right.
父母和其他權威人物會給孩子傳授很多錯誤的觀念。他們或者是採用直接灌輸的方式，也或者是通過對孩子的對待方式來潛移默化。
比如，
“天下無不是的父母”、
“血濃於水”
“我是你父親/母親/老師，所以我比你懂”
“家人才是最重要的”
“你只是個孩子”
“別那麼自私（這句話的含義是：你並不重要，你的義務是滿足我的需求）。”
在這種情形中，孩子學到：
誰強大誰說了算；
不能質疑權威；
你需要永遠服從於你的父母，而且權威者永遠都是正確的。
03
Skewed self-worth and self-esteem
扭曲的自我價值和自尊感
In toxic childhood environments, a child is taught many harmful beliefs about themselves, most of which they later internalize and it becomes their self-perception.
For instance, the child learns that that they are worthless, that they are responsible for everything that goes wrong, that they are overly incompetent (learned helplessness), that they can’t trust anyone and have to do everything themselves, and that their self-esteem depends purely on other people’s perception (e.g., if people like me then everything is good, if they don’t then everything is bad).
在毒性童年環境中，孩子們學到了很多關於他們自身的有害觀念，其中大部分在後來都會被內化，併成為他們的自我認知。
例如，孩子學到：
他們毫無價值、
他們需要對所有錯誤負責，
他們能力極其不足（習得性無助），
他們不能信任任何人而且任何事都必須自己親自做，
他們的自尊感完全取決於別人的看法
（比如，如果人們喜歡我，那一切都很美好；如果人們不喜歡我，那麼一切都很糟糕）。
延伸閱讀：什麼是“習得性無助”以及產生原因
04
Unreasonable expectations and doomed-to-fail scenarios
不合理的期望與註定會失敗的場景
A lot of children are raised in a way where they are expected to be perfect. Their caregivers set unrealistic standards where no matter what the child does they are punished for “failing.”
In reality, making mistakes is normal and even necessary in order to learn and grow. However, many children are forbidden to make mistakes and receive severe consequences, be it overt punishments or rejection and withdrawal of love and care.
As a result they become neurotic and overly anxious, or perfectionistic, or unmotivated and unproductive, or even unwilling to do anything.
很多孩子在養育過程中被渴望完美。他們的看護者對他們設置了不切實際的標準，根據這些標準，孩子無論做什麼，都會因“失敗”而受到懲罰。在現實中，犯錯是正常的，甚至是學習和成長所必需的。但很多孩子被禁止犯錯，而且會遭受嚴重後果，或是直接懲罰，或是拒絕給予或收回愛和關懷。
這樣，孩子們就會變得神經質和過度焦慮，或完美主義，或無自驅性且低效率，或甚至不想做任何事情。
05
True thoughts and emotions are forbidden
禁止表達真實想法和情緒
A person’s feelings communicate important information about their environment and well-being, and their thoughts reflect their perception of reality and help them more accurately conceptualize and codify this reality and the information within it. … It is a cruel crime against children to restrict them from being in touch with their feelings and thoughts and from expressing them authentically.
To adjust to and survive in a toxic and potentially dangerous environment, a child learns to repress their true feelings and thoughts because to do otherwise means to risk losing the caregiver-child bond. And so the child learns to comply and self-erase. Such an adult may be clueless of who they truly are and how they truly feel because they were forced very early on to repress their true self.
一個人的感受傳遞著關於其所處環境和健康快樂程度的重要信息；
他們的想法反映著他們對現實的認知，並且能夠幫助他們對現實以及現實中所包含的種種信息形成更精準的概念化和系統化理解……
將孩子與他們自身的感受和想法切斷，禁止他們真實表達這些感受和想法，是一種殘忍的罪行。
為了在毒性、存在潛在危險的環境中適應、生存，孩子學會了壓抑自身的真實感受和想法，因為倘若不這麼做，可能就會失去看護者與自己之間的某種“親密關係”。
這樣，孩子就學會了服從和自我消除。當這種孩子長大成人後，他們可能根本不知道真實自我，不知道他們自己真正的感受，因為在人生早期，他們已經被強迫壓抑真實自我。
Closing words/結語
Often a significant portion of one’s true self—one’s true identity—is lost forever. That’s why proper childrearing is so important. It’s easier to raise a child well than fix a wounded adult.
But, to leave you on a more positive and hopeful note, in many cases a person is able to re-discover their self and heal the damage through self-work and with the help of a caring and empathetic expert.
通常，一個人真正自我——一個人的真正身份——中的很大一部分就永遠失去了。這就是為什麼良好的撫育過程如此重要。好好養育一個孩子，要比修復一個受傷的成年人簡單得多。但，積極的一面是，很多時候人們都能夠重新發現真實自我，或是通過自己努力，或是在充滿關懷、具有同理心的專家幫助下，修復了創傷。
Did you recognize any of this in your own upbringing? How did it affect you? Feel free to leave your thoughts in the comment section below.
在你成長過程中，
上述哪種方式讓你感到似曾相識呢？
它對你又造成了怎樣的影響呢？
在下面評論吧
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