演講簡介
The beautiful, hard work of co-parenting
演講者：Joel Leon
語言：英語
簡介：2019 | 講故事的人和父親喬爾·萊昂（Joel Leon）說，“共同育兒”不是流行語，它是一種公開，始終如一，充滿愛心地向家人展示的方式。在這個動人的演講中，他向所有父母挑戰，要求他們在孩子的日常生活中扮演平等，積極的角色，即使在這個世界上，往往是母親獨自承擔著犧牲的重擔。萊昂鼓勵有關養育子女的細微對話，並提醒我們，做父母不是責任，而是機會。
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中英對照翻譯
My name is Joel, and I'm a co-parent.
我是喬爾，一名承擔共同撫養子女義務的父親。
So, growing up, I never heard the term "co-parent." I heard a lot of other things, though, for starters, "absentee father," "sperm donor" -- that's a good one -- "deadbeat dad" and, my personal favorite, "baby daddy." "Baby daddy," for those not in the know, refers to an individual who helps to conceive a child but does little else.
在我的成長過程中，我從未聽說過“共同撫養”這個詞，儘管對於新手而言，我聽說過其他的詞，“缺席父親”，“精子捐獻者”——聽起來不錯——“老賴爹（deadbeat dad）”，還有我自己最喜歡的——“寶爸（baby daddy）”。給不知道的人科普一下，“寶爸”是指一個幫助懷孕，而卻不對此負責的父親。
Baby daddy is also someone who is not married by law to the mother of said child. Growing up, I thought "co-parent" was reserved primarily for white families that starred in Netflix prime-time dramas.
“寶爸”也是在法律上沒有與孩子的母親結婚的人。成長過程中，我曾以為“共同撫養”一詞是針對在Netflix黃金檔電視劇中那些白人家庭而言的。
It still kind of does. But it wasn't used to explain the role of a parent. Right? Either you had kids or you didn't, and no one in my social circles or a tour dinner table was having complex conversations about the role fathers played in that conversation, right?
這似乎也說得通，但“共同撫養”並不曾用來解釋父母的角色，對吧？不管你是否有孩子，在我的社交圈裡或在我們聚餐時，沒有人會圍繞父親的角色進行復雜的討論，不是嗎？
A more balanced, open, loving approach to parenting was not something we were discussing within our social circles. A majority of the time, the fathers I knew of growing up were barely present or just completely nonexistent. "Co-parent" wasn't a term I heard or saw where I grew up, where I came from.
一種更公平、開放且充滿關愛的撫養方法不是我們在自己的社交圈裡涉獵的話題。大部分時間裡，我所知道的父親們在他們孩子成長過程中幾乎不出現，或者根本不存在。在我出生和成長的地方，我不曾聽說過或見過“共同撫養”。
I come from the hood. That hood would be Creston Avenue, 188th in the Bronx. And for -- one person, that's what's up.
我來自“那個”街區，布朗克斯（紐約以高犯罪率著稱的貧民區）克雷斯頓大街188號。對，就是這麼回事兒。
Appreciate that.
感謝。
For a lot of us in that hood, there was only one person you could already turn to for food, shelter, warmth, love, discipline: our mothers.
在那個街區裡，對許多人來說，我們只能指望一個人，去尋求食物、住處、溫暖、愛和訓導：我們的母親。
My mother, who I playfully call "Linda T," was my first example of real love and what showing up as a healthy co-parent looked like. She was a strong, determined single mother, a woman who would have benefited greatly from having a secure and stable partner as a co-parent.
我開玩笑地叫我母親“琳達·T（LindaT）”，她為真正的愛做了表率，也有一個健康的共同撫養者該有的樣子。她是一個強大、堅定的單親母親。作為共同扶養人，她本該擁有一個可靠穩重的伴侶，以減輕她的負擔。
So I vowed whenever I got married, my boo and I would be together forever. You know? We'd share the same bed and home, we'd sleep under the same covers, we'd argue at IKEA -- normal stuff.
所以我發誓過無論我何時結婚，我會和我的妻子永遠在一起。很好理解吧？我們會分享同一張床，共享一個家。我們會睡在同一被窩裡，會為了瑣事在宜家裡爭吵。
My partner would feel seen and loved, and our children would grow up in a two-parent household.
我的伴侶會感到被在乎、被疼愛，我們的孩子會在有雙親的家庭里長大。
However, things rarely ever end up how we plan them. Our daughter Lilah has never known a household with both of her parents living together under one roof. Her mother and I were never married. We dated on and off for several months before we found out she was pregnant.
然而，到頭來，計劃沒有變化快。我們的女兒萊拉從來都不知道，和父母住在一起的家庭生活是什麼樣子。因為我和她的母親從未結過婚。在發現她懷孕之前，我們斷斷續續約會了幾個月。
Up until then, my mother didn't even know she existed. I was ashamed, I was embarrassed, and, at times, I was suicidal. I was asking myself, what was I doing? Where was I going wrong? In ever wanted the stigma or label of what some identified as the stereotypical "black father." So: absentee, confrontational, combative, not present.
在那之前，我母親甚至不知道我女友的存在。我感到羞愧，很尷尬，有時，我還想自殺。我問我自己，我在幹什麼？我哪裡做錯了？我從不想被羞辱或被稱為一些人刻板印象中的“黑人父親”：缺席者、挑釁者、好鬥的、“失蹤”的傢伙。
It took a lot of work, time, energy and effort for us to finally realize that maybe co-parenting for us didn't need to mean a shared household and wedding bells, that maybe, just maybe, the way we showed up as co-parents lay not only in the layered nuances of our partnership but the capacity within our hearts to tend to a human that we helped create together.
在花費大量的工作、時間、精力和努力後，我們終於意識到，也許共同撫養對我們來說並不意味著一定要共享一個家庭，或必須要談婚論嫁。也許，僅僅是也許，我們以共同撫養者的身份出現的方式，不僅是存在於我們伴侶關係中有層次的細微差別，更在於我們在內心深處照顧一個人的能力，而這個人是我們共同的結晶。
It would involve love in a nurturing and safe environment that would feed Lilah long after we both left this earth.
一個安全的養育環境裡若有了愛，萊拉在我們都離開世界很久以後也會感到滿足。
Fast-forward four years, and Lilah is now in pre-K. She loves gummies, and she says things like, "My heart is filled with love." She's the most loving, compassionate, empathetic human being I know, and the reason I get to tell you all of this is because she's back in the Bronx with her mother.
快進四年，萊拉現在在學前班，她非常喜歡軟糖，而且她會說類似“我內心充滿了愛”這樣的話。她是我知道的最可愛、最有同情心、最有同理心的人，而我之所以能把這一切告訴你們，是因為她和她的母親回到了布朗克斯。
You see, this is co-parenting, and in an ideal world, my mother would have had a co-parent, too. She would have had support, someone to show up and give her a break, a time off.
這就是共同撫養。在一個理想的世界裡，我的母親本可以也有一個共同撫養的夥伴，她本可以得到支持，也有人本可以出現，讓她有休息的時間。在一個理想的世界裡，任何一個父親或母親都是共同撫養者。
In an ideal world, every parent is a co-parent. In an ideal world, both parents share the weight of the work appropriately. Lilah's mother and I have a schedule. Some days, I leave work and pick Lilah up from school, some days I don't. Lilah's mother gets to go rock climbing or study for the LSAT, and I get to stand in a room full of bold, dynamic and powerful women and talk about dad stuff.
在一個理想的世界裡，父母雙方都能適當地分擔撫養的重擔。我和萊拉的母親有一個日程計劃，有時我會下班去接萊拉放學，有時我不會。這樣萊拉的母親可以去攀巖，或者準備法學院入學考試，而我也能在一個充滿了勇氣、活力和強大的女性的房子裡，討論父親那些事。
It is work, it is beautifully hard work dismantling the systems that would have us believe a woman's primary role is in the kitchen, tending to all things domestic, while the hapless dad fumbles all over himself whenever he has to spend a weekend alone with the kids. It is work that needs to happen right now.
共同撫養是一種工作，是艱辛而美好的工作。它逐漸廢除了一種家庭系統，這種系統讓我們認為女人的主要角色就是呆在廚房裡負擔所有家務，而可憐的父親每當不得不單獨和孩子們共度週末時，只會手忙腳亂。共同撫養是需要立刻執行的工作。
You see, far too often, what it seems like is when both parents are working, one parent is typically tasked with organizing the household and keeping the home running. That person is typically a woman or someone who identifies as such. Far too often, those who identify as mothers and as women have to sacrifice their dreams in order to appease the standard.
這種情況太普遍了，當雙方都在工作時，一方通常要安排好家庭事務，讓這個家正常運轉。而這個人通常是女人或者扮演此角色的人。那些作為母親或女人的一方往往不得不犧牲她們的夢想以達到這種標準。
They have to sacrifice their dreams in order to ensure that motherhood takes precedence over all else. And I'm not here to say that it doesn't, but what I am here to say is, as equal partners and co-parents, it is our duty to ensure that our co-parenting partners don't have to put their passions, their pursuits and their dreams to the back burner just because we're too self-absorbed to show up as allies.
她們不得不犧牲自己的夢想，以保證母親的身份優於其他所有事請。我並不否認這點，但我想說的是作為平等的搭檔和共同撫養者，我們的責任是保證我們的共同撫養搭檔不必把他們熱衷的愛好、追求和理想放在次要地位，就因為我們自私地不願共同承擔。
Co-parenting makes the space possible for everybody. As a co-parent, the time I've gotten to share and spend with Lilah is time I appreciate, the time that has allowed me to be fully present for my child, removing the notion that the emotional labor required to raise a child is a woman's work. As a co-parent, Lilah and I have built snowmen, we've played with acorns, we've rapped to the soundtrack of "Moana," I know you have, too.
共同撫養讓每個人有自己的空間變成了可能。作為承擔共同撫養義務的人，我很感激能擁有與萊拉共同度過的時光，擁有能讓我充分陪伴孩子的時光，它淘汰了養育孩子所需要的情緒勞動是女人的工作這一觀念。作為共同撫養孩子的人，我和萊拉一起堆了雪人，一起玩了橡果，還跟著《海洋奇緣》的原聲練說唱，我知道你們也幹過這事。
She's sat with me while I've led workshops at Columbia University, when I talk about the intersections of poetry, hip-hop and theater. We get to talk about her emotions and her feelings because we have exclusive time together, and that time is planned time, it's organized around not just my schedule but her mother's. Both of us, as co-parents, have unique parenting styles. And we may argue at times, but what we can always agree on is how to raise a human --our human.
當我在哥倫比亞大學主持討論會，談論詩歌、說唱和戲劇的交集時，她就坐在我身旁。我們會討論她的情緒與情感，因為我們有單獨在一起的專屬時光，這些時間都是計劃好的。不僅是根據我的行程，還是根據他母親的行程安排的。作為共同撫養者，我們兩人都有獨特的養育方式。有時我們會發生爭執，但我們總能在一件事上意見一致：如何養育一個人——我們的孩子。
I will never fully understand or comprehend what it means to hold a child in my body for 10 months. I will never be able to understand the trials and tribulations of breastfeeding, the work that it takes, the emotional, physical, psychological and emotional toll that carrying a human can have on the female body.
我永遠不會完全理解或明白，在身體裡連續十個月懷著一個孩子意味著什麼。我永遠不能理解母乳餵養的艱辛和困難，背後的付出，我也永遠不能理解懷孕在情緒、身體和心理上對女性身體的影響。
What co-parenting does is say, we can create balance, a more balanced home and work life for everyone involved. Co-parenting says that while parenting may involve sacrifices, yes, the weight of that sacrifice is not solely resting on one parent alone. No matter your relational dynamic, no matter how you identify as a human being -- he, she, they, ze -- co-parenting says we can create space and equity, better communication, empathy, I hear you, I see you, how can I show up for you in ways that benefits our family?
共同撫養的目的是讓我們能創造平衡，讓家庭中每個成員的工作生活保持平衡。共同撫養中，雖然可能會有犧牲，這是事實，但犧牲的重擔並不只會由一方單獨承擔。不論你的人際關係如何變化，不論你怎麼定義人——他，她，他們——共同撫養讓我們能創造空間和平等，更好的溝通、共鳴，我能聽到你、理解你，我知道怎樣以利於家庭的方式出現。
My goal: I want more fathers to embrace co-parenting as a model for a better tomorrow, a better today for ourselves, for our co-parenting partners, for our families, for our community. I want more fathers talking about fatherhood openly, candidly, honestly, lovingly. Right? I want more people to recognize that black fathers in particular are more than the court system, more than child support and more than what the media might portray us to be.
這是我的目標：我想讓更多的父親接受共同撫養的模式，為了更好的明天，為了我們自己更好的今天，為了我們共同撫養的搭檔，為了我們的家庭、社會。我想要更多的父親開放地、坦白地、真誠地、親切地討論父性，好嗎?我想讓更多人認識到，黑人父親，他們不僅只與法院和子女撫養費有關，不僅只是媒體口中的我們。
Our role as fathers, our role as parents, our value as parents is not dependent on the zeroes at the ends of our checks but the capacity within our hearts to show up for our families, for the people we love, for our little ones.
我們扮演的父親角色，父母角色，我們作為父母的價值，並不取決於我們支票上的數字後有幾個零，而是取決於我們內心中為我們的家庭，為我們愛的人和我們的孩子們站出來的能力。
Being a father is not only a responsibility, it's an opportunity. This is for Dwain, this is for Kareem "Buc" Drayton, this is for Biggs, this is for Boola, this is for Tyron, this is for all the black fathers who are showing up on a day-to-day basis. This is for Charles Lorenzo Daniels, my father,who didn't have the language or the tools to show up in the ways that he wanted to.
成為父親不只是一種責任，還是一次機會，這段演講要獻給達文（Dawin），卡里姆·德雷頓（Kareem“Buc”Drayton）比格斯（Biggs），布拉（Boola)，塔倫（Tyron）。獻給所有每天都在承擔起責任的黑人父親。同樣也要獻給查爾斯·勒倫佐·丹尼爾斯（CharlesLerenzoDaniels），我的父親，他沒有語言和工具來按照他想要的方式出現。
Thank you.
謝謝。
My name is Joel.
我是喬爾。
Hi Bria, hi West.
嗨，布里亞，嗨，韋斯特。
(In Yoruba) Amen.
（約魯巴語）阿門。
(Applause)
（掌聲）
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