Almost everyday with slightly dispiriting inevitability, someone in our vicinity will hurt us in some way.
幾乎每一天，帶著有點令人沮喪的必然性，我們周遭的人會以某些方式傷害我們。
It could be a friend, a colleague, a child or, most likely, a partner.
可能是一位朋友、同事、孩子，或最有可能的，伴侶。
They'll be neglectful of something that matters immensely to us.
他們會忽略某些對我們來說非常重要的事。
They'll be, to a greater or lesser extent, unkind, thoughtless, offensive or brusque.
他們會，或多或少地，不友善、輕率、冒犯人的或唐突的。
We may never have given much thought to observing the way we characteristically respond.
我們可能從未仔細地去觀察自己典型的回應方式。
And yet, our style of reacting to maltreatment goes right to the heart of who we are and can make the difference between: A life of constant frustration and bitterness and one of tolerable coexistence.
然而，我們應對不友善對待的方式直指出我們是誰，並能造就差異於：受到長期挫折與苦難的人生，與還算可以共存相處的人生。
A crucial part of the art of living seems to lie in knowing how to complain constructively and sanely to those who do us wrong.
生存藝術中很關鍵的一部分似乎就存在於瞭解如何有建設性地、理性地抱怨對那些待我們不佳的人。
There are broadly 3 main ways in which one might complain.
大致來說，主要有三種抱怨的方式
The first is live fury.
第一種是實況的憤怒表現
Here, we explode, shout, insult, belittle and attempted to crush our opponent.
我們暴怒、吼叫、侮辱、輕視他人，並且試圖粉碎我們的對手。
What lies behind this response is, at heart, panic and agitation and a catastrophic feeling of hurt and betrayal.
這種反應背後的其實是心中的恐慌及激動不安以及對於受傷與背叛的災難式感受。
The slight to our dignity cuts us so deep, unsettled us so much, we attempt to ROAR our way out of humiliation.
自尊的貶低傷害我們至深，使我們如此不安，讓我們想從羞辱中吼出一個出口。
Our bark may be loud but it comes from a place of extreme vulnerability.
我們的叫罵可能吵鬧，但它來自於極端的脆弱。
We're living without a psychological skin.
我們活在沒有心理保護膜的狀況
Unfortunately, of course, live fury is guaranteed to prevent our complaint from ever being heard.
當然，不幸的是，立即的憤怒表現註定會阻止我們的抱怨被聽見。
In the face of our ranting, those who've offended us, will themselves get offended, begin to resent us, refuse to listen and accuse us of a raft of things which entirely bury our original complaint against them.
面對我們咆哮，那些羞辱我們的人，自己也會被羞辱，並開始怨恨我們，拒絕去傾聽，並展開大量控訴，這完全埋沒了我們的原意對他們提出怨言。
We achieve nothing.
我們一無所獲
There is a second option: Cold fury.
還有另一個選項：敢怒不敢言
Here one says very little but hates very deeply and quietly.
人在這種情況會說得很少，但以安靜且深層的方式怨恨著
We don't dare to complain directly from a despair that the other would ever understand.
我們不敢直接提出抱怨，源自於一種絕望也就是對方永遠不會了解自己。
Fuelled with a feeling that we don't deserve ever to be listened to.
火上加油的是我們覺得自己不值得被傾聽
A primitive self-hatred encases us in cynicism and melancholy.
一種與生俱來的自我厭惡使我們包圍在憤世嫉俗與憂鬱之中
We become experts at withdrawal.
我們成為逃避的專家
We've probably been like this from a young age.
大約從很小的時候我們就這樣做了
The adults we grew up around were probably too touchy, busy, domineering or absent to give us much of a hearing.
我們成長周遭的大人們可能都太易怒、太忙碌、跋扈或是無法給予我們太多傾聽。
So we learn to swallow our pain and while seething inside, act with brittle courtesy and veiled aggression against those hated characters who've done us wrong.
所以我們學著吞下所有的痛苦，並在生悶氣的時候表現得冷淡有禮並隱藏起攻擊性，對於那些我們怨恨且待我們不佳的對象。
Then comes that far rarer achievement: Mature complaint.
接著是極其少數所能達成的：成熟的抱怨
In order to master such a feat, we must work with a background sense that we don't fundamentally deserve meanness and also that it won't on its own ever be able to destroy us.
為了達成這樣的壯舉，我們必須要擁有一個深根理念，我們不需要理所當然地接受惡意而且這些惡意本身並無法摧毀我們。
We are calm because we like ourselves well enough, a legacy of being cared for by people who liked us and refuse to endure punishment quietly or with masochistic patience.
我們平靜，因為我們夠喜歡自己，這是一個被愛的禮物，從那些喜歡著我們，並拒絕忍受無聲的責罰或受虐式的忍耐。
We have the confidence not to be thrown into complete disarray by insult.
我們有信心不因羞辱而被丟入全然的混亂之中
We can seek restitution and tend to do so fairly fast while the incident is still fresh in everyone's mind but with a measured, strategic, calm manner of people secure in their right to have their say.
我們可以索取補償並儘量在很短的時間內，當事件在每人腦中還清晰時，但以一個慎重的、策略性的、平和的方式安於自己說話權利之人會有的。
We're careful not to insult or belittle our opponents.
我們很小心不要侮辱到或輕視我們的對手
We always simply say: How we feel.
我們永遠只說：我們感覺如何
Rather than declaring: You're vindictive and selfish for doing X;
而不是表明：你做某件事是不懷好意和自私的
We say: I feel hurt by the way you do X.
我們說：我因你做了某件事很受傷
We don't give others easy excuses to get insulted and block their ears in turn.
我們不輕易給他們藉口來反過來說他們被侮辱了或蒙上其耳朵
We don't want to make it that simple for them.
我們不會想要讓事情對他們來說變得那麼簡單
Nevertheless we don't have unlimited faith that people are always going to understand and accept what we're trying to tell them, yet we want to speak out anyway.
儘管如此，我們沒有無止盡的信心去說別人永遠會理解並接受我們試圖告訴他們的，但無論如何我們仍想大聲說出。
Because we know it's not good for us to swallow our complaints and we don't want ulcers.
因為我們知道吞下我們的抱怨對自己是不好的，也不想得到潰瘍般的傷害。
We are at once realistic about the chances of dialogue and determine to talk in any case.
一旦我們實際的面對這樣對話的機會，並決定無論如何都要談開。
We deserve a huge amount of compassion for our failure to know how to complain wisely.
我們值得更多的惻隱之心，對於我們不知道如何有智慧的抱怨。
Our inability is a snapshot into our past and into some properly troublesome dynamics that occurred long ago.
我們的無能為力是我們的歷史以及過去發生的不良動態關係的縮影。
But by sketching the ideal style of complaining, we can start to imagine what we're not natively capable of and to fill in through reason and reflection what we haven't been able to achieve through upbringing and love.
但藉由描繪理想的抱怨方式，我們能夠開始想像出那些並非天生就會的東西，並回以解釋及反思，對那些我們尚未能以教養及愛來達成的。
We can take our first stumbling steps on the path to mature compliant.
我們可以踏出這困難的第一步邁向成熟的抱怨。
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