Almost everyday with slightly dispiriting inevitability, someone in our vicinity will hurt us in some way.
几乎每一天，带着有点令人沮丧的必然性，我们周遭的人会以某些方式伤害我们。
It could be a friend, a colleague, a child or, most likely, a partner.
可能是一位朋友、同事、孩子，或最有可能的，伴侣。
They'll be neglectful of something that matters immensely to us.
他们会忽略某些对我们来说非常重要的事。
They'll be, to a greater or lesser extent, unkind, thoughtless, offensive or brusque.
他们会，或多或少地，不友善、轻率、冒犯人的或唐突的。
We may never have given much thought to observing the way we characteristically respond.
我们可能从未仔细地去观察自己典型的回应方式。
And yet, our style of reacting to maltreatment goes right to the heart of who we are and can make the difference between: A life of constant frustration and bitterness and one of tolerable coexistence.
然而，我们应对不友善对待的方式直指出我们是谁，并能造就差异于：受到长期挫折与苦难的人生，与还算可以共存相处的人生。
A crucial part of the art of living seems to lie in knowing how to complain constructively and sanely to those who do us wrong.
生存艺术中很关键的一部分似乎就存在于了解如何有建设性地、理性地抱怨对那些待我们不佳的人。
There are broadly 3 main ways in which one might complain.
大致来说，主要有三种抱怨的方式
The first is live fury.
第一种是实况的愤怒表现
Here, we explode, shout, insult, belittle and attempted to crush our opponent.
我们暴怒、吼叫、侮辱、轻视他人，并且试图粉碎我们的对手。
What lies behind this response is, at heart, panic and agitation and a catastrophic feeling of hurt and betrayal.
这种反应背后的其实是心中的恐慌及激动不安以及对于受伤与背叛的灾难式感受。
The slight to our dignity cuts us so deep, unsettled us so much, we attempt to ROAR our way out of humiliation.
自尊的贬低伤害我们至深，使我们如此不安，让我们想从羞辱中吼出一个出口。
Our bark may be loud but it comes from a place of extreme vulnerability.
我们的叫骂可能吵闹，但它来自于极端的脆弱。
We're living without a psychological skin.
我们活在没有心理保护膜的状况
Unfortunately, of course, live fury is guaranteed to prevent our complaint from ever being heard.
当然，不幸的是，立即的愤怒表现注定会阻止我们的抱怨被听见。
In the face of our ranting, those who've offended us, will themselves get offended, begin to resent us, refuse to listen and accuse us of a raft of things which entirely bury our original complaint against them.
面对我们咆哮，那些羞辱我们的人，自己也会被羞辱，并开始怨恨我们，拒绝去倾听，并展开大量控诉，这完全埋没了我们的原意对他们提出怨言。
We achieve nothing.
我们一无所获
There is a second option: Cold fury.
还有另一个选项：敢怒不敢言
Here one says very little but hates very deeply and quietly.
人在这种情况会说得很少，但以安静且深层的方式怨恨着
We don't dare to complain directly from a despair that the other would ever understand.
我们不敢直接提出抱怨，源自于一种绝望也就是对方永远不会了解自己。
Fuelled with a feeling that we don't deserve ever to be listened to.
火上加油的是我们觉得自己不值得被倾听
A primitive self-hatred encases us in cynicism and melancholy.
一种与生俱来的自我厌恶使我们包围在愤世嫉俗与忧郁之中
We become experts at withdrawal.
我们成为逃避的专家
We've probably been like this from a young age.
大约从很小的时候我们就这样做了
The adults we grew up around were probably too touchy, busy, domineering or absent to give us much of a hearing.
我们成长周遭的大人们可能都太易怒、太忙碌、跋扈或是无法给予我们太多倾听。
So we learn to swallow our pain and while seething inside, act with brittle courtesy and veiled aggression against those hated characters who've done us wrong.
所以我们学着吞下所有的痛苦，并在生闷气的时候表现得冷淡有礼并隐藏起攻击性，对于那些我们怨恨且待我们不佳的对象。
Then comes that far rarer achievement: Mature complaint.
接着是极其少数所能达成的：成熟的抱怨
In order to master such a feat, we must work with a background sense that we don't fundamentally deserve meanness and also that it won't on its own ever be able to destroy us.
为了达成这样的壮举，我们必须要拥有一个深根理念，我们不需要理所当然地接受恶意而且这些恶意本身并无法摧毁我们。
We are calm because we like ourselves well enough, a legacy of being cared for by people who liked us and refuse to endure punishment quietly or with masochistic patience.
我们平静，因为我们够喜欢自己，这是一个被爱的礼物，从那些喜欢着我们，并拒绝忍受无声的责罚或受虐式的忍耐。
We have the confidence not to be thrown into complete disarray by insult.
我们有信心不因羞辱而被丢入全然的混乱之中
We can seek restitution and tend to do so fairly fast while the incident is still fresh in everyone's mind but with a measured, strategic, calm manner of people secure in their right to have their say.
我们可以索取补偿并尽量在很短的时间内，当事件在每人脑中还清晰时，但以一个慎重的、策略性的、平和的方式安于自己说话权利之人会有的。
We're careful not to insult or belittle our opponents.
我们很小心不要侮辱到或轻视我们的对手
We always simply say: How we feel.
我们永远只说：我们感觉如何
Rather than declaring: You're vindictive and selfish for doing X;
而不是表明：你做某件事是不怀好意和自私的
We say: I feel hurt by the way you do X.
我们说：我因你做了某件事很受伤
We don't give others easy excuses to get insulted and block their ears in turn.
我们不轻易给他们借口来反过来说他们被侮辱了或蒙上其耳朵
We don't want to make it that simple for them.
我们不会想要让事情对他们来说变得那么简单
Nevertheless we don't have unlimited faith that people are always going to understand and accept what we're trying to tell them, yet we want to speak out anyway.
尽管如此，我们没有无止尽的信心去说别人永远会理解并接受我们试图告诉他们的，但无论如何我们仍想大声说出。
Because we know it's not good for us to swallow our complaints and we don't want ulcers.
因为我们知道吞下我们的抱怨对自己是不好的，也不想得到溃疡般的伤害。
We are at once realistic about the chances of dialogue and determine to talk in any case.
一旦我们实际的面对这样对话的机会，并决定无论如何都要谈开。
We deserve a huge amount of compassion for our failure to know how to complain wisely.
我们值得更多的恻隐之心，对于我们不知道如何有智慧的抱怨。
Our inability is a snapshot into our past and into some properly troublesome dynamics that occurred long ago.
我们的无能为力是我们的历史以及过去发生的不良动态关系的缩影。
But by sketching the ideal style of complaining, we can start to imagine what we're not natively capable of and to fill in through reason and reflection what we haven't been able to achieve through upbringing and love.
但藉由描绘理想的抱怨方式，我们能够开始想像出那些并非天生就会的东西，并回以解释及反思，对那些我们尚未能以教养及爱来达成的。
We can take our first stumbling steps on the path to mature compliant.
我们可以踏出这困难的第一步迈向成熟的抱怨。
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