Popular Misconceptions
青春的誤讀
I was awkward in middle school: bony and athletic, with a high grade in science and a low one in self-esteem. Though I had friends, I didn't fit the mold of popularity. I was picked last in flag football and I sometimes ate lunch by myself.
中學時代的我很尷尬：擅長運動，卻骨瘦如柴；理科成績好，自尊心卻不強。雖然我有朋友，但我並不是人人都喜歡的那種類型。在奪旗橄欖球比賽中，我總是最後一個被選中上場的。有時候，我還會獨自一人吃午餐。
I remember the day Brittany came to our school. She was from the Bay Area, and told us stories of how she had snuck out at night to meet older boys and smoke in the park. Her teeth were crooked , and she was a little overweight. Not that mattered though, because she walked around like she was better than all of us put together. She was incredibly intimidating , outspoken, and aggressive - a person who you didn't want to cross .
我仍記得布里塔尼來我們學校的那天。她從舊金山灣區轉學而來，當時還給我們講了她以前如何在夜裡溜出去跟年長的男生會面並在公園裡吸菸那些事。她的牙齒長得歪歪扭扭的，人也有點胖。不過這些都沒關係，因為她走起路來趾高氣揚，好像我們所有人加在一起都不如她似的。她極有震懾力，說話直來直去，還總是一副咄咄逼人的樣子——她就是一個你不想去招惹的人。
Around Brittany, I tried my best to go unnoticed. Standing out or stealing her spotlight could only result in one thing: confrontation. I considered myself a chameleon, blending in with my surrounding and remaining the shy sixth-grader I had always been. I wore skorts and Tommy Hilfiger sneakers with red and blue laces, and my blond hair was frequently in a ponytail. Brittany and her friends wore shorts with words like "Hottie" on the seat. She dyed her brown hair black and got a perm like the other popular girls. All the boys were completely smitten with her.
只要在布里塔尼旁邊，我就儘量保持低調。太引人注目或搶她的風頭只會有一個下場，那就是與她發生衝突。我覺得自己就像一條變色龍，與周圍的環境融為一體，保持著自己作為一個六年級學生一貫的靦腆形象。我穿裙式短褲和鑲有紅藍相間的蕾絲花邊的湯米·希爾費格牌球鞋，一頭金髮總是紮成馬尾。而布里塔尼和她的朋友們卻穿臀部印有諸如“辣妹”字樣的短褲。她還像其他很潮的女生一樣把棕色的頭髮染黑、燙卷。所有男生都徹底被她迷倒了。
Although I could run for a touchdown , Brittany was always the first girl picked in flag football at recess and I was lucky if I was picked at all. I was thrown the ball while she stood with the quarterback, chatting about the last keg party she'd gone to. I didn't even know what came in a keg and had never contemplated drinking. She was flirtatious and mysterious while I was a declaration of what good parenting and strong Christian morals could produce. I had never been kissed, nor did I understand the tactics to get as far as she had gone with a boy.
雖然我可以持球觸地得分，然而在課間的奪旗橄欖球比賽中，布里塔尼卻總是第一個被挑中上場的女孩，而我若能被選中，就算我的運氣。別人傳球給我的時候，她卻在跟四分衛大談自己最近參加的啤酒宴會。那時我甚至還不知道啤酒宴會是什麼樣子，也從沒想過要喝酒。她舉止輕佻，很是神秘，而我則是良好家教和嚴格的基督教道德準則所能培養出的典範。從沒有人吻過我，我也不懂那些伎倆，不知道如何像她一樣與男生交往。
One day, Brittany bribed a classmate to ask me to the school dance. I wasn't allowed to go, and I told him so, but I was flattered. I felt elite and accepted by those around me. I told myself, though I am alone, I am desired and that is good enough for me. I blended in the most perfect way: well enough to fit in and not nerdy enough to stand out. Then Brittany told me during science class that she had put him up to it. She asked in front of everyone, "Why would anyone ever want you?" And I believed her.
一天，布里塔尼買通了一位同學，讓他邀請我參加學校的舞會。儘管我告訴他家裡人不允許我去，但這件事卻仍然讓我覺得受寵若驚。原來我也是優秀的，我覺得身邊的人接納了自己。我對自己說，雖然我總是孤零零的一個人，可還是有人喜歡我的，這對我來說就足夠了。我以最理想的方式融入了他們：既能與他們相處融洽，也沒有出盡風頭招人討厭。後來在自然課上，布里塔尼告訴我，是她唆使那個人邀請我的。她當著全班同學的面反問我：“別人怎麼會要你這樣的？”我把她的這句話當真了。
I went home and cried, questioning whether I was an alien. I told myself over and over that she would amount to nothing while I still had time to grow. She would become a middle-aged trailer park renter in Northern California, with lots of kids and with her same buck-toothed smile, while I would somehow turn into a high school social butterfly and move to New York City, Chicago, or Washington D.C., cosmopolitan and sophisticated . We would never be in the same league.
回到家後，我哭了一場，懷疑自己是不是一個異類。我一遍遍地告訴自己，她將一事無成，而我還有時間成長。她將人到中年，帶著一大群孩子在加州北部租住活動屋停車場；她的孩子們笑起來和她一樣，齙牙外露。而我將成為高中的交際花，會遷居至紐約、芝加哥或華盛頓特區，成為一個見多識廣又成熟老練的人。我們永遠也不會成為同一類人。
Secretly, I emulated her. Through everything that she did to me, I wanted to be 20 times better. Although she was seemingly perfect in everyone's eyes, I wanted to be everything she wasn't and yet a million times more perfect. Where she was loud and mocking, I wanted to be reserved and coy . She wore tight pants that exposed her chubby stomach, but I wanted to be thin and muscular. Brittany was intimidating and violent, but I wanted to be, and was then, serene and not at all confrontational. I wanted to be the polar opposite of her, showing how much better I was than her.
私底下，我暗暗與她較勁。就憑她對我做的這一切，我也要比她好一百倍。儘管她在每個人眼裡似乎都完美無缺，我要做一個與她完全相反的人，但卻要比她完美上萬倍。當她扯著嗓門冷嘲熱諷時，我就要含蓄內斂、矜持靦腆。她穿緊身褲，露出她豐腴的腹部，而我則要變得修長健美。布里塔尼氣勢洶洶叫人害怕，而我卻想文靜安詳，不與人爭吵衝撞(那時的我就是這樣的)。我想和她完全相反，以證明我比她要優秀得多。
I forgot about Brittany somewhere between eighth grade and freshman year. I found a new group of friends - girls from other schools who finally became the "in-crowd " in high school. Looking back, I was and am better than Brittany, and though I let her rule over my inadequacies in middle school, I never did again. She was exactly what I hated then and is the type of person I will never let myself become.
從八年級到大學一年級的那段日子裡，我忘記了有關布里塔尼的往事。我結交了一群新朋友，她們來自其他學校，最終成了我們高中的風雲人物。現在回過頭看，不論是過去還是現在，我都比布里塔尼更優秀。儘管她曾對我中學時代的種種缺陷指手畫腳，但我再也不會讓她得逞了。她的的確確就是我當時所憎惡的人，而我永遠也不會允許自己成為她那種人。
I found Brittany's online profile a few weeks ago and discovered nothing outwardly shocking. She still has the same chubby face and mocking smile, flipping off the camera as if she couldn't come up with anything original. I cringed at some half-naked pictures with captions that read "GeT bLaZeD". As I read on, I realized that Brittany had died in a drunken driving accident a year ago. She had been 16 and pregnant at the time. Suddenly my perception of Brittany changed from a bad influence into a struggling little girl whose life was taken before she could decipher right from wrong. I had wanted everything bad to happen to her, but no one deserves that. No one. Those who worshiped her may never again, but I will always think of Brittany as the girl who never had the chance to find herself.
幾周前，我在網上看到了布里塔尼的個人主頁。表面看來，我並沒發現她有什麼太糟糕的地方。仍舊是那張圓圓的臉龐，臉上依然掛著嘲弄人的竊笑。她對著相機豎起中指，好像再也擺不出什麼新穎的姿勢。看到她拍的那些以“變得激情四射吧”作為說明的半裸照片，我感到尷尬不已。等我繼續讀下去，才發現布里塔尼已於一年前在一次因酒後駕駛引發的事故中喪生。當時她只有16歲，還有了身孕。突然之間，我對布里塔尼的印象發生了轉變，由一個對周圍產生很壞影響的人變成了一個苦苦掙扎的年輕女孩，一個在能明辨是非前就已失去生命的人。我曾希望一切不幸都降臨於她，可是，沒有人應該受到這樣的懲罰啊。沒有人。也許那些曾經愛慕過她的人再也不會念及她，但我卻會一直想到她——一個永遠都沒有機會發現自我的女孩。
My experience with Brittany taught me that though we are all naive in our youth, the choices we make will impact us forever. The people we choose to be will remain a part of us. I will always remember Brittany as that loud , overconfident girl, and a part of that shy, insecure person I used to be will always keep me humble.
這段與布里塔尼有關的經歷教會了我一個道理：儘管年輕時我們都天真幼稚，但所做的選擇卻會影響我們的一生。我們選擇成為什麼樣的人，那種人的特徵就會成為我們的一部分留存下來。我會一直記住布里塔尼，那個舉止招搖而又張狂自負的女孩。而曾經靦腆而又不自信的我也會一如既往地保持那份謙卑。
閱讀更多 Panda每日分享 的文章
