My name is Joe Wong. But to most people, I am known as “Who?” which is actually my mother’s maiden name, and the answer to my credit card security question.
我叫黃西，但對於大多數人來說，我叫“Who”（HU），這實際上是我媽媽的孃家姓，也是我信用卡密保問題的答案。
（開場先是自嘲下自己默默無聞不為所知，然後利用中英文諧音，再聯繫到信用卡密碼保護，因為網上註冊時選擇用於取回密碼的驗證問題裡，最常見的就是媽媽的姓氏是什麼。）
Joking aside, I want to reassure you that I am invited here tonight.
拋開玩笑，我想重申今晚我的確是受邀而來的。
（因為前一陣子白宮舉行一個活動，美國一對夫妻混過白宮層層保安，裝作是白宮邀請的貴賓，還跟這些政客合影留念併發到網上，其中就有坐在邊上的副總統Joe Biden，被曝光後，在美國引起很大爭議，白宮的安保問題被質疑。）
I grew up in China. Who didn’t?
我在中國長大，誰不是呢？
（裝作無知，認為每個人都是中國人，暗諷了一些美國人的自大，以為世界就是美國。）
Most of my childhood memories are ruined by my childhood. When I was in elementary school, as part of the curriculum, I worked at a rice paddy next to a quarry where they use explosives to break rocks. That’s where I learned that light travels faster than sound, which is almost as slow as a flying rock.
我童年的大部分記憶都被童年毀了。我上小學時，作為課程的一部分，我要在稻田勞動，旁邊緊挨著一個採石場，他們常常要用炸藥來炸開石頭。我就是從那裡瞭解了光比聲音傳播速度快的，因為聲音總是和飛石差不多一樣的速度。
（主要是用生動而誇張的語言形容小時候生活環境的惡劣，光速比聲速快，後者跟石頭飛散的速度差不多，就是遠處一道閃光，幾秒後隆隆爆炸聲伴著小石子飛濺過來。）
My dad was a grumpy guy. But occasionally he tried to cheer me up with jokes. When I was 7 he said to me, “Son, why is tofu better than centralized socialist economy?” 5 minutes later, I said, “Why?” He said, “Because I said so!”
我爸爸脾氣暴躁，但他偶爾會開個玩笑，給我點鼓勵。我7歲的時候他跟我說，“兒子，你知道為什麼豆腐比集中的社會主義經濟好嗎？”5分鐘後我問“為什麼？”他告訴我：“因為是老子說的。”
（形容父親脾氣暴躁，毫無邏輯，頤指氣使。5分鐘後是笑點，如此荒謬的問題還想了那麼久。這兩段就是誇張描述下自己的童年，因為跟美國人的經歷完全不同，觀眾會因為新鮮荒謬而發笑。）
In 1994, I came to the United States to study at Rice University in Texas, that wasn’t a joke, until now. I was driving this used car with a lot of bumper stickers that are impossible to peel off. And one of them said, “If you don’t speak English, go home!” And I didn’t notice it for two years.
1994年，我來到美國在德州的萊斯大學學習。此處不是笑話，現在是了。我開著一輛二手車，保險槓上貼滿了撕不下去的標籤，其中一個寫道“如果你不會講英語，滾回家吧！”我直到兩年後才明白它的意思。
（That wasn’t a joke, until now.這句是臨場發揮，效果很好。bumper sticker這個牌子的內容和所用的語言本身就是一個矛盾。）
We always wanted my son to become the president. We try to make him speak Chinese at home and English outside in public. Sometimes I had to say to him in public, “If you don’t speak English, go home!” He said, “Why do I have to learn two languages?” I said, “When you become the president, you will have to sign legislative bills in English, and talk to debt collectors in Chinese!”
我們總是幻想有一天自己的兒子成為總統。我們給他雙語的教育，讓他在家講中文，到公共場合說英語。可有時候我不得不在公共場合對他說，“如果你不講英語，滾回家吧！”他就會說，“我為什麼要學兩種語言呢？”我告訴他，“當你成為總統以後，你必須要用英語來簽署法案，用中文和你的債權國對話。”
（此處用到了剛才sticker上的話；委婉表達了中國是美國的債權國。）
After I graduated from Rice, I decided to stay in the US because in China I can’t do the thing I do best here, being ethnic. In order to become a citizen, we immigrants had to take American history lessons with questions like: Who’s Benjamin Franklin? We were like, “Ahh.., the reason our convenient store gets robbed?” What’s the second Amendment? We were like, “Ahh.., the reason our convenient store gets robbed?” What is Roe vs Wade? We went, “Ahh…, two ways of coming to the US?”
從萊斯大學畢業後，我決定留在美國，因為有一件事我在中國肯定不如在美國能做得更好——具有民族特色。為了成為美國公民，我們移民必須要學習美國曆史，很多問題諸如“本傑明·富蘭克林是誰？” 我們想“啊...導致我們便利店被劫的原因？” “第二修正案是什麼？” 我們就“啊...導致我們便利店被劫的原因？” “Roe vs Wade是什麼？” 我們又“啊...來到美國的兩種途徑？”
（用同一個答案回答了兩個美國曆史問題，非常有笑果，用移民的角度“誤解”美國的著名墮胎案判例，是一般美國人無法想象的視角。）
Later I read a lot about American history. So much so that I started to feel white guilt. In America, all men are created equal, but after birth, it depends on their parents’ income for early education and healthcare.
之後我讀了很多關於美國曆史的書，以至於我都產生了白人負罪感。在美國人人生而平等，但出生後，就要看父母對子女在教育和醫療上的支付能力了。
（這段看上去很詭異，作為一個黃色人種，怎麼會有這種優越感，去產生white guilt，實際上在為後面跟總統比做鋪墊。）
I read on Men’s Health magazine that president Obama every week has two cardio days and 4 weight lifting days. I don’t have to exercise because I have health insurance. I live in Massachusetts where we had universal healthcare and then elected Scott Brown. Talk about mixed message! I think there was a movie about him. It’s called “Kill Bill”.
我在《男人健康》雜誌上看到奧巴馬總統每週都有兩天做有氧運動，四天做舉重鍛鍊。我不用健身的，因為我有醫療保險。我住在馬薩諸塞州，提供統一醫療保險，之後Scott Brown當上議員，說得有點亂，我想有部電影是關於Brown議員的，叫《Kill Bill》。
（這段是一種很微妙的搞笑，如果奧巴馬那天不是臨時有事，在邊上坐著的話會很有意思。kill bill的bill不是指克林頓，應該指法案。Scott Brown是共和黨人，剛當選麻省議員，反對全民醫保。所以說他kill bill “扼殺了（醫保）法案”。）
We have Mr. vice president Joe Biden here tonight. I have read your autobiography and today I see you. I think the book is much better. They should have cast Brad Pitt, or Angelina Jolie.
拜登副總統也出席了今晚的晚宴。我曾經讀過您的自傳，現在終於有幸見到您，我覺得還是書上的更好看一些，他們應該讓布拉德·皮特或是安吉麗娜·茱麗來出演您的故事。
（美國政客是要被隨時拿來開涮的，其他的comedian諷刺起來比黃西狠得多。）
We have many distinguished journalists here whom I consider as peers. I once wrote for the campus newspaper. Journalism is the last refuge for puns. Only in a newspaper can I say, “I was born in the year of the horse, that’s why I’m a neigh-sayer (nay-sayer)”
今晚還有很多著名的新聞界認識，我把你們看做我的同事，因為我也曾經為校報寫過報道。我認為新聞媒體是雙關語最後的避難所。只有在報紙上我才可以說，“我出生在馬年，所以我是個反對派。”
（馬叫聲英文是neigh，neigh-sayer就是發出馬叫聲的人，諧音nay-sayer，後者是總說反對意見，投反對票的人，nay這個詞常用在現場口頭投票，如果反對，一般說nay，不說no。在座很多記者，我認為是我的同行，還有上面的自炫比奧巴馬優越，因為不用健身，都是一種比較難解釋很微妙的幽默，可以理解為對那些自我感覺良好的人的一種諷刺。）
This is my first time on CSPAN, a channel I obvious always watch when I couldn’t handle the demagoguery and sensationalism of PBS and QVC. If I still couldn’t go to sleep after watching CSPAN, there are CSPAN2 and 3!
今天我第一次上CSPAN頻道，當我受不了PBS和QVC頻道太過煽動的節目時我常常要看CSPAN。要是看完CSPAN我還睡不著覺的話，還有CSPAN-2和CSPAN-3嘛！
（PBS有點類似中國的中央電視臺，弘揚主旋律為主，QVC是電視購物頻道，所以說這倆的審查和煽動性比較強。明知自己的演講時CSPAN在直播，但還諷刺一下這個電視臺，美國人很喜歡這麼幹。CSPAN相當於美國國會的監控錄像，全天直播國會的各種會議，聽證，剛開始看了新鮮，時間長了就很無聊。）
I was just thrilled to be invited to tonight’s event. I showed the White House my jokes about the president, and that’s when Obama decided not to come and started the immigration reform. Take that Stephen Colbert! Obama has been accused of being too soft. But he was conducting two wars and they still gave him the Nobel peace prize, and he accepted it. You can’t get more bad-ass than that! The only way you can be more bad-ass than is that if you took the peace prize money and gave it to the military.
我受到今晚活動的邀請的確很激動。我曾在總統面前表演過我的笑話，這就是為什麼奧巴馬總統決定今晚不來了，據說他都開始考慮移民改革了。Stephen Colbert，看到了吧！奧巴馬被批評過於軟弱，但他正指導著兩場戰爭，還被授予了諾貝爾和平獎，而且他竟然還接受了。沒有比這更滑稽的了！或許要做到比這更荒謬的事只能是把得來的和平獎金再捐給軍隊吧。
（奧巴馬沒到，但也沒忘調侃一下他，反襯自己寫的那幾個笑話的威力。提到Stephen Colbert，因為幾年前的記者招待會，他當著bush的面羞辱了bush，那次bush臉色很難看，勞拉甚至罵了粗口，但就是當面很尷尬而已，而我把奧巴馬嚇得都不敢來了，還開始考慮是否該讓這些移民來到美國。相當於說：怎麼樣Stephen Colbert，我比你牛吧。）
I finally became a US citizen in 2008. Thank you! America is number one! That’s true! We won the World Series every year!
我終於在2008年成為了美國公民，謝謝各位！美國是老大，這是真的，我們每年不都是聯賽冠軍嘛！
（諷刺了美國國內的各種職業聯賽冠軍頭銜都叫World Champion。）
After becoming the U.S. citizen, I immediately registered to vote for Obama/Biden. (Turn and face Biden) You are welcome. You had me at “Yes we can” That was their slogan.
成為美國公民後，我立即註冊投票給了奧巴馬和拜登。（對著拜登說）不客氣。你們那句“Yes we can”打動了我。這是他們的競選口號。
After getting them elected, I felt this power trip and started to think maybe I should run for president myself. I have to explain a little here. I had always been kind of a morose and pessimistic guy. I feel that life is like peeing into the snow in a dark winter night. You probably made a difference, but it’s really hard to tell. Now we have a president who is half black half white. That just gives me so much hope because I am half not black half not white. Two negatives make a positive.
幫助他們獲勝後，我內心的力量湧動，開始思考或許自己也可以角逐總統這個職位。我需要在這裡稍作解釋下，我一直是個抑鬱悲觀的人，我認為人生就好像在漆黑的冬夜在雪地裡小便，你或許能做些許變化，但真的很難預言。現在我們有了一位一半白人血統、一半黑人血統的總統，這給了我很大希望，因為我是一半非白人血統、一半非黑人血統，負負得正嘛！
（Two negatives make a positive，還有下一句的，這次沒說出來，就是two illegals make a legal，指只要在美國境內出生就自動獲得美國國籍，無論父母身份。）
So my fellow Americans, you may be thinking what is your campaign slogans? You see, I spent 10 years in the past decade. You too? I understand that Americans are suffering. My campaign slogan will be, “Who cares!”
所以我的美國同胞們，你們或許想知道我的競選口號是什麼。你想，我在過去的十年裡度過了整整十個春秋，你們也是啊？我知道美國人日子不好過，因此我的口號就是“Hu cares!(Who cares！)”
If elected, I would make same sex not only legal, but required,that would get me the youth vote. You see that I am married now, but I used to be really scared about marriage. I was like:”Wow! 50% of all marriages end up lasting forever!”
如果我當選，我會讓同性婚姻不僅合法，而且必須，這樣我會得到很多年輕選民的票。我現在已經結婚了，但我過去真的很恐懼婚姻，我常常想“天哪，竟有一半的婚姻最終是走過一生的！”
I will eliminate unemployment by reducing the productivity of American workers so that two people have to do the job of one, just like the vice president and the president, the Olson twins.
我會設法減少失業，方法是減少美國人的生產效率，讓兩個人幹一個人的活，就像副總統和總統這樣，或者是Olson雙胞胎這樣。
（不斷地調侃總統和副總統。Olson twins是著名雙胞胎，童星。曾經兩人演一個角色，在full house裡。）
Despite heart diseases and cancer, most Americans die from natural causes. If elected, I will find a cure for natural causes. It may not be covered by insurance because of pre-existing conditions.
除了心臟病和癌症，大多數美國人都是死於自然死亡，如果我當選，我會設法找到治癒自然死亡的方法，當然這是無法獲得醫療保險的，我們會在你買保險前檢查你的身體狀況。
（pre-existing conditions是指購買醫療保險前的身體狀況，保險公司會相應的拒保或者提高保費。）
I have a quick solution for global warming. I will switch from Fehrenheit to Celcius. It was 100 degrees and now it’s 40! You are welcome! I’m great at foreign policy because I’m from China and I can see Russia from my backyard.
我有一個解決全球變暖的最快辦法，我會要求將華氏溫度改為攝氏溫度，原先100度，現在變成40度啦。不客氣。我在外交方面也有一套，因為我來自中國，我可以在後院監視俄羅斯。
On foreign policy. I believe that unilateralism is too expensive; open dialog is too slow. If elected, I will go with text messaging. I’ll text our allies just to say hi; and text our enemies when they are driving. “OMG you are making nuclear weapons! But U R doing it wrong, LOL!”
提到外交政策，我認為單邊主義代價太大，開放對話進程緩慢。如果我當選，我會採取發短信的方式。我會給我們的盟國發去短信，簡答的打聲招呼；給我們的敵人發去短信，當他們開車的時候，“哦天哪，你正在製作核武器，但你做得不對，大笑”。
I would like to thank Radio and TV Correspondents’ Association for giving such an incredible honor! This is the first time I wish my 3 year old son knew what I was doing. Thank you.
我要感謝美國記者協會今天對我的邀請和給予的殊榮，這是我第一次希望我3歲的兒子能知道他的父親在做什麼。謝謝大家！
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